Who Stole My Gorram Cookie?!
Jul. 20th, 2006 10:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
browncoat2x2Title: Who Stole My Gorram Cookie?!
Author: by 2x2
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Word Count: 1133
Author's Note: Complete Crack!Fic!!! Written in response to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
youngcurmudgeon's question in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
ff_crackathon: Who on Serenity stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
"Jayne! Ni tamade hun dan! You stole that gorram cookie!" Mal shouted, storming down into the cargo bay angrily.
Jayne set his weights down and wiped sweat from his forehead, brow creasin in indignation. "Weren't me!" he said sittin' up.
"Don't lie to me, Jayne! You've had you're eyes on it from the moment we got em on board!" accused Mal.
"Well, sure. Didn't take it though," the mercenary denied.
"Fine. You mind tellin' me who did then?"
"Was Wash." Jayne nodded.
"Wash?" asked Mal, usure.
"Yeah. Wash stole the cookie from the cookie jar."
Mal stared hard at Jayne, but the big man seemed to be telling the truth, at least about not taking the cookie part, so he pressed his lips together and made his way through the ship up to the bridge.
"Wash! Where in the holy ass of hell is my cookie?" he said, storming into the room.
"Wha?" said Wash, turning in confusion. "The what?"
"Don't be playin' me, Wash," Mal warned sternly, growing impatient, not to mention hungrier by the minute.
"Mal, I don't know what to say. I didn't take your cookie," the pilot protested.
"Wash--"
"'Tellin' the truth, Sir. My man's allergic to chocolate," said Zoe, coming in behind them.
"Well, most types," added Wash with a sly wink at his wife.
"Gorramit! If you didn't take it, then who the di yu did?" He turned to Zoe. "Was it you?"
"Me, Sir?" said his first mate, fixing him with a stare that told him better than to go down that road.
"Ahhh," said Mal with a wave of his hand.
"Why not try Kaylee? I believe she said something about getting a special treat tonight..." suggest Wash.
Mal ran a hand through his hair and nodded, heading off in search of his mechanic.
"You know that wasn't the kind of 'special treat' she was talking about, husband," admonished Zoe playfully.
Wash grinned. "I know," he said smugly, grabbing her around the waist. "Speaking of, how 'bout some of that chocolate, lamby toes..."
Mal's mood was not improving. No, not by a bit.
"Doctor, if you'd be so kind as to see fit to get your clothes back in order so I can open my eyes and have words with my mechanic, I'd be right appreciative," groused Mal, head averted as Simon blushed, gathering up his clothes in frantic embarassement.
"Hey Cap'n," said Kaylee once she too was fully dressed.
Mal turned around, a glower on his face as Simon tried to sneak his way out of the engine room. "One moment there, Doctor," he said, grasping the young man's arm. He looked back at Kaylee. "Now, I'm only gonna ask this once, lil' Kaylee. Did you steal my cookie?"
"Shen me?" asked Kaylee, confused.
"Wash said you was plannin' on a special... uh... well, never mind that," he stammered as he realized what the 'treat' had been, damn that Wash. "But someone stole my gorram cookie an' I aim to find out who it was!" he said, growing seriously tetchy. He turned his glare on Simon.
"You know anything about this?" he demanded, pointing an accusing finger.
Simon held up his hands. "I don't even... like.. cookies," he protested. "River always..." His face took on a sudden look of realization. "Oh," he said and Mal huffed a breath through his nose, lips pressing tightly together yet again.
"River!" he yelled, storming towards the passenger dorm.
"Friendly hands! Thought it pretty, took what wasn't theirs. Thinks you deserve it," squealed River as Mal stood in her doorway, growing frustrated. "I didn't take it," she said, suddenly lucid. "Beat me to it," she pouted, and then curled up and would say nothing more.
Mal felt a slow burn of anger. Inara. Who did she think--
"Is everything all right, Captain?" asked Book, peeking out of his own room.
"Shiny," snapped Mal as he headed for shuttle one. That gorram woman was gonna give him back his cookie or damn well buy him a new one - hell, a whole pack of new ones!
"Inara!" he barked, storming into her shuttle as usual. She turned from her cortex screen, rolling her eyes as she faced him.
"To what do I owe the pleasure this time?" she asked, less than impressed.
"You got all manner of your own things in here. Don't see me comin' in here, takin' what ain't mine," he started, building a full head of steam. "Ain't got no right takin' what the rest of us gotta spend precious, hard earned coin to get. Man goes his whole day 'spectin' to have his reward at the end of it, ain't just to steal it out from under him!"
Inara stared at him without comprehension. "What are you talking about, Mal?"
"You know gorram well what I'm talking about, an' I want it back!" he yelled.
She stood, growing angry. "I don't know what you're talking about, Captain, and there's nothing you have that I would want to steal! I'm not the thief on this ship!" she retorted. "And furthermore, you come in here all the time and touch things that don't belong to you! So don't stand there and accuse me of having no right to go into things that arent' mine when you don't afford me the same respect!"
Mal blinked, nostrils flaring. "Well, someone on this boat is lyin' to me!" he stated, crossing his arms with a huff.
Inara rolled her eyes and gave a little shake of her head. "What exactly is it you've lost, Mal?" she asked, her tone softer.
"I didn't lose nothin'. It was stolen."
"What, Mal? What?"
He scratched his head, suddenly feeling a might foolish for making such a rukus over a cookie. "My cookie," he mumbled.
"What was that?" she asked, tilting her head closer.
"I said someone stole my gorram cookie, Inara!" he said petulantly, glaring at her when she had to smother a smile.
"Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't take it," she assured him.
"Yeah, well..." he shrugged. "Guess I shoulda known as much. Jus' thought, maybe... never mind." He sighed, giving up hope of finding the treat at this point. shaking his head he left the shuttle and headed for his bunk to sulk.
Down in the passenger dorm, Book smiled and slid his door closed, tiptoeing over to the box on his dresser. He slid the lid back with a smile, reaching in to pull out the chocolate confection.
"Sometimes it's good to be above suspicion," he said to himself grinning. He shot a look 'skyward'. "I'll make it up to him," he said, and then grinning, took a big bite of the cookie, closing his eyes to savour the real chocolate chips. "It'll be worth it!!"
THE END
Author: by 2x2
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Word Count: 1133
Author's Note: Complete Crack!Fic!!! Written in response to
youngcurmudgeon's question in ff_crackathon: Who on Serenity stole the cookies from the cookie jar? "Jayne! Ni tamade hun dan! You stole that gorram cookie!" Mal shouted, storming down into the cargo bay angrily.
Jayne set his weights down and wiped sweat from his forehead, brow creasin in indignation. "Weren't me!" he said sittin' up.
"Don't lie to me, Jayne! You've had you're eyes on it from the moment we got em on board!" accused Mal.
"Well, sure. Didn't take it though," the mercenary denied.
"Fine. You mind tellin' me who did then?"
"Was Wash." Jayne nodded.
"Wash?" asked Mal, usure.
"Yeah. Wash stole the cookie from the cookie jar."
Mal stared hard at Jayne, but the big man seemed to be telling the truth, at least about not taking the cookie part, so he pressed his lips together and made his way through the ship up to the bridge.
"Wash! Where in the holy ass of hell is my cookie?" he said, storming into the room.
"Wha?" said Wash, turning in confusion. "The what?"
"Don't be playin' me, Wash," Mal warned sternly, growing impatient, not to mention hungrier by the minute.
"Mal, I don't know what to say. I didn't take your cookie," the pilot protested.
"Wash--"
"'Tellin' the truth, Sir. My man's allergic to chocolate," said Zoe, coming in behind them.
"Well, most types," added Wash with a sly wink at his wife.
"Gorramit! If you didn't take it, then who the di yu did?" He turned to Zoe. "Was it you?"
"Me, Sir?" said his first mate, fixing him with a stare that told him better than to go down that road.
"Ahhh," said Mal with a wave of his hand.
"Why not try Kaylee? I believe she said something about getting a special treat tonight..." suggest Wash.
Mal ran a hand through his hair and nodded, heading off in search of his mechanic.
"You know that wasn't the kind of 'special treat' she was talking about, husband," admonished Zoe playfully.
Wash grinned. "I know," he said smugly, grabbing her around the waist. "Speaking of, how 'bout some of that chocolate, lamby toes..."
Mal's mood was not improving. No, not by a bit.
"Doctor, if you'd be so kind as to see fit to get your clothes back in order so I can open my eyes and have words with my mechanic, I'd be right appreciative," groused Mal, head averted as Simon blushed, gathering up his clothes in frantic embarassement.
"Hey Cap'n," said Kaylee once she too was fully dressed.
Mal turned around, a glower on his face as Simon tried to sneak his way out of the engine room. "One moment there, Doctor," he said, grasping the young man's arm. He looked back at Kaylee. "Now, I'm only gonna ask this once, lil' Kaylee. Did you steal my cookie?"
"Shen me?" asked Kaylee, confused.
"Wash said you was plannin' on a special... uh... well, never mind that," he stammered as he realized what the 'treat' had been, damn that Wash. "But someone stole my gorram cookie an' I aim to find out who it was!" he said, growing seriously tetchy. He turned his glare on Simon.
"You know anything about this?" he demanded, pointing an accusing finger.
Simon held up his hands. "I don't even... like.. cookies," he protested. "River always..." His face took on a sudden look of realization. "Oh," he said and Mal huffed a breath through his nose, lips pressing tightly together yet again.
"River!" he yelled, storming towards the passenger dorm.
"Friendly hands! Thought it pretty, took what wasn't theirs. Thinks you deserve it," squealed River as Mal stood in her doorway, growing frustrated. "I didn't take it," she said, suddenly lucid. "Beat me to it," she pouted, and then curled up and would say nothing more.
Mal felt a slow burn of anger. Inara. Who did she think--
"Is everything all right, Captain?" asked Book, peeking out of his own room.
"Shiny," snapped Mal as he headed for shuttle one. That gorram woman was gonna give him back his cookie or damn well buy him a new one - hell, a whole pack of new ones!
"Inara!" he barked, storming into her shuttle as usual. She turned from her cortex screen, rolling her eyes as she faced him.
"To what do I owe the pleasure this time?" she asked, less than impressed.
"You got all manner of your own things in here. Don't see me comin' in here, takin' what ain't mine," he started, building a full head of steam. "Ain't got no right takin' what the rest of us gotta spend precious, hard earned coin to get. Man goes his whole day 'spectin' to have his reward at the end of it, ain't just to steal it out from under him!"
Inara stared at him without comprehension. "What are you talking about, Mal?"
"You know gorram well what I'm talking about, an' I want it back!" he yelled.
She stood, growing angry. "I don't know what you're talking about, Captain, and there's nothing you have that I would want to steal! I'm not the thief on this ship!" she retorted. "And furthermore, you come in here all the time and touch things that don't belong to you! So don't stand there and accuse me of having no right to go into things that arent' mine when you don't afford me the same respect!"
Mal blinked, nostrils flaring. "Well, someone on this boat is lyin' to me!" he stated, crossing his arms with a huff.
Inara rolled her eyes and gave a little shake of her head. "What exactly is it you've lost, Mal?" she asked, her tone softer.
"I didn't lose nothin'. It was stolen."
"What, Mal? What?"
He scratched his head, suddenly feeling a might foolish for making such a rukus over a cookie. "My cookie," he mumbled.
"What was that?" she asked, tilting her head closer.
"I said someone stole my gorram cookie, Inara!" he said petulantly, glaring at her when she had to smother a smile.
"Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't take it," she assured him.
"Yeah, well..." he shrugged. "Guess I shoulda known as much. Jus' thought, maybe... never mind." He sighed, giving up hope of finding the treat at this point. shaking his head he left the shuttle and headed for his bunk to sulk.
Down in the passenger dorm, Book smiled and slid his door closed, tiptoeing over to the box on his dresser. He slid the lid back with a smile, reaching in to pull out the chocolate confection.
"Sometimes it's good to be above suspicion," he said to himself grinning. He shot a look 'skyward'. "I'll make it up to him," he said, and then grinning, took a big bite of the cookie, closing his eyes to savour the real chocolate chips. "It'll be worth it!!"
THE END
